Is caring for your child or partner accompanied by recurring feelings of loss and grief? At Surplus, we also call this living loss. This is not about dying, but about adjusting expectations in life. And how difficult that can be.
Feelings often coexist. The love for your family, sadness about the illness or disease and at the same time adjusting your own expectations and dreams. In the process, questions arise such as: ‘What would life have been like without the condition?’, ‘Why is this happening to me?’ or ‘How do I get to myself?’.
Informal caregivers tell:
- “Our relationship is changing because of cognitive problems. We understand each other less and less well and lose each other while we are still living together. I don't recognize my mate anymore.”
- “Every birthday is confronting, as the difference with my daughter's peers widens. We don't experience happy moments like getting a swimming certificate. I worry about the future.”
- “I sometimes get angry with my husband because he leans on me more and more. Then I regret it, because I know I'm not angry at him, but at the disorder. I feel powerless.”
Want to get a grip on unpleasant feelings of living loss? Three tools for you!
1. Acknowledge your feelings
Feeling yourself sad or angry about living loss says nothing about love or commitment to your loved one. It is a normal reaction to a difficult situation. Reflect on your feelings regularly. You can do this, for example, by taking time for yourself, writing, expressing yourself creatively (check out this Kintsugi video once) or express your emotions in sports. Ask yourself: what works for me?
2. Dwell on moments of transition
Whereas we have rituals for mourning at death, there is little talk about living loss. Informal caregivers often experience a lack of understanding from those around them, because ‘normal life’ goes on and moments of loss are not always visible. It can help to reflect on these moments together, such as reaching an important milestone in rehabilitation or moving to a new home. Don't let these moments pass you by.
3. Do you need information and stories from others?
Ask about Surplus' themed meetings or join a meeting activity in your neighborhood. Our counselors offer a listening ear by phone and think with you. Want to listen to information or stories at your own time? In the podcast “Living Loss” informal care parents and professionals share their experiences with this topic.
